So buckle yourself up. You’re in for a wild ride, especially where Lucy uses me as an example of some of the dumb-ass things we men do. I am really good at giving her this sort of material. I don’t even need to try.
It’s my hope for you, that you find yourself a good guy who’s worth keeping around, and that you jettison the losers faster than a cat jumps off a hot tin roof.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I am dying to get back to my beautiful, smart, funny girl. If you ever meet a guy who doesn’t say this about you, well, you know where the eject button is. Press it fast, and don’t look back.
Cheers,
Tyler Brooks
EPILOGUE 2
San Francisco: A Guide to the City’s Charm and its Chaotic Commodes
By Lucy Daley, City Editor
Oh, San Francisco, our beacon of golden sunsets, progressiveness, tech innovation… and seriously questionable public restrooms?
Let’s chat about the less Instagrammable, not so pretty side of SF. For every stunning view from Lands End or gourmet meal in the Mission District, there’s a public restroom that could transport you to a less enlightened era. Sure, we love our cultural tapestry and iconic scenery, but how about a moment of silence for anyone who's ever braved the bathrooms at Golden Gate Park, the gas station on Ninth Street in SOMA, or the tourist trap that is Fisherman’s Wharf? Here at the SF Freekly, we love an unfiltered perspective on the highs and lows of living in the city.
Today’s emphasis is on the lows—the lows of when nature calls. Buckle up for a deep dive into some of the city's most talked-about spots and their less glamorous amenities, covered in detail for your reading pleasure (or caution).
Golden Gate Park: Nature's Wonderland with a Side of Eau de Restroom
We love to put New Yorkers in their place by bragging that our beloved Golden Gate Park is larger than their Central Park, a fact that comes as a surprise to many. After all, how is it that San Francisco can outdo New York in anything?
Rivalries aside, the crown jewel of our city, Golden Gate Park is home to everything from world-class museums to bison (yes, actual bison), sprawling meadows, picturesque lakes, hidden gardens, and polo fields. Sadly, it’s also the backdrop for some of the city’s most neglected restrooms, as if they haven't quite received the memo about the park's prestige. Venturing into one is like playing bathroom roulette—will you find TP? Soap? Your dignity? Or some mysterious biohazard on your shoe and, heaven forbid, a new disease? It’s anyone’s guess. The park is a perfect spot for picnics and paddle boats, just not pit stops.
Ninth Street Gas Station: Where Only the Brave Venture
Then, there’s the gas station on Ninth Street in the chichi South of Market neighborhood, which is less a pit stop and more of a terrifying dare. Here, ‘out of order’ signs are the norm, and the faint smell of gasoline competes with… other odors. You brave souls who venture into this restroom are the unsung heroes of San Francisco’s daily grind.
Sure, this place is convenient for topping-up your tank, but its bathroom is a dive into despair. You’d think with Silicon Valley just a hop and a skip away, someone could engineer a self-cleaning toilet, or at least a soap dispenser that isn’t bone dry. Spoiler: they haven’t. It’s a stark reminder that in a city with absurd rents, you still may end up longing for basic hygiene in public spaces.
Fisherman’s Wharf: Come for the Clam Chowder, Stay for the... Nope, Just Go Home
Ah, Fisherman’s Wharf. While us locals steer clear, a visit to San Francisco is not complete without a stroll here, sampling clam chowder and dodging aggressive seagulls and the smell of hundreds of sea lions. But the public restrooms? They’re a horror story wrapped in conundrum, smothered in tourist desperation. With the foot traffic this place gets, you’d hope for facilities that don’t resemble a crime scene. From hurried cleanings between the waves of tour buses to the sheer challenge of keeping up with the constant demand, the restrooms here are a gamble. Unfortunately, hope is not a strategy here. Consider ducking into a nearby hotel lobby or charming café when the need arises—trust us, it’s a solid plan.
So You Want to Enjoy SF Without the Bathroom Blues?
Navigating San Francisco means embracing its eclectic charm while sidestepping its more fragrant pitfalls. Our advice? Keep a mental map of acceptable restrooms or lean on trusty apps that crowdsource the cleanest facilities (we here at SF Freekly are currently building just this). San Francisco is too beautiful a city to have your day marred by a traumatic toilet experience.
SF, We Love You, But You're Bringing Us Down
There’s a funny sort of camaraderie that comes with surviving a bad restroom experience in San Francisco. It’s the sort of story that gets traded at parties like urban war stories. “You think that’s bad? Let me tell you about the time I…” This shared struggle doesn’t just build character, it builds community. Plus, it’s a reminder that even in a city as glamorous as San Francisco, everyone has to deal with the same mundane realities. And, let’s be honest, there’s something so satisfying about a tech billionaire and a street artist facing the same dilemma of a suspicious toilet handle.
San Francisco, you’re like that high-maintenance friend we adore but secretly find exhausting. Your highs are high—breathtaking views, incredible food, and an unmatched tech scene. You’re a place of beauty, innovation, and community, where every foggy morning offers a new possibility. But oh, how you test us with your public restroom lows. To fully love you, we must navigate you wisely, because in this city, even a simple call of nature can become an adventure. Here’s to loving you, warts and all, and to keeping our bathroom visits as scenic as our city views (or at least trying to).
