“Maybe it’s a fantasy, but it’s better than the hell we come from!” Summer argued, his voice cracking with emotion. He wanted to reach out, to touch Rafael, to somehow make him understand the depth of his pain, but he couldn’t bring himself to move.
“You think?” Rafael growled, running a hand through his hair, frustration evident on his face. “It’s not real, Summer. You can’t keep hiding from your responsibilities.”
“Responsibilities?” Summer lashed out, his voice rising with each word. “You mean being my father’s puppet? Being stuck in a world that doesn’t accept me for who I am? That’s not a life, Rafael. That’s a fucking cage!”
“You have to face reality,” Rafael said, sounding almost desperate, eyes locked on Summer’s. “People like us don’t have the luxury of escaping our pasts.”
Rafael’s words hung heavily in the air between them. Summer stared at him, feeling his heart shatter into pieces. He wanted so badly to believe that there was a way out, a way for them both to be free of the cartel. But looking into the dark depths of Rafael’s eyes, he knew that the truth was much more complicated, and much more painful.
“I can’t go back to that,” Summer said. “Please don’t make me.”
“Your life in the cartel hasn’t been all bad,” Rafael countered, his tone patronizing. “Pampered son of El Jefe, surrounded by wealth and comfort?”
“Oh, no.” Summer scoffed. “The endless nights spent listening to my father talking about who he’s going to kill next, how they’ll suffer, and how much money their deaths will bring in?” Rafael’s expression darkened, but Summer continued, his voice pitching up. “And let’s not forget the constant machismo, the pressure to be like my father, like my brother. Like you.” He dragged in a breath, feeling it ragged in his lungs. “All the while, I was dying inside, knowing that I could never be myself.”
A shudder ran through Summer’s body as he thought back to the time his father had caught him flirting with a boy he’d met in a village as they passed through. The fear and shame that had coursed through him as his father talked about the other boy like he was disgusting, like it had been his fault. Because of course the son of Diego Garcia Lopez couldn’t possibly be like him.
“Every day was like living in a cage, Rafael,” Summer whispered, tears welling up in his eyes. “A cage where I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t be me. I was dying.”
For a moment, silence hung between them before Rafael finally spoke, his voice softening. “You think I don’t understand what it’s like to feel that way? To be trapped in a world that doesn’t accept you for who you are?”
Summer looked up, surprised by the agony in Rafael’s voice. His eyes were dark, deep and filled with something Summer had never seen him, something he had hidden all this time.
“Being un maricón in the cartel is like signing your own death warrant,“ he said, his gaze never leaving Summer’s. “I’ve had to bury that part of myself so deep that sometimes I forget it even exists.”
“Rafael, I—” Summer began, but Rafael cut him off.
“Every day, I’m surrounded by men who would slit my throat without a second thought if they knew the truth. Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to constantly be on guard, never letting anyone get too close?” Rafael shook his head, gritting his teeth so hard Summer wondered if he’d hurt himself. “No, you must know. You’re the same. You know.” He laughed bitterly. “But you want a life where it doesn’t matter. I don’t get that choice.”
“God, Rafael,” Summer whispered, reaching for Rafael’s hand.
Rafael let him take it, gripping tight. “None of us are truly free, “ he said intently. “But we have to make the best of the cards we’re dealt.”
“We both deserve freedom,” Summer insisted, his voice cracking with emotion. “We shouldn’t have to hide who we are.”
Rafael looked away, his jaw clenched. “You think I don’t want that too? If I could give you your freedom, I would, Summer. But it’s not that simple.”
“Then make it simple!” Summer pleaded, desperate for a solution.
“Your father’s reach is long, and his wrath is deadly,” Rafael said in a heavy, quiet voice. “If I don’t bring you back, he’ll kill me, and then he’ll come after you anyway. He won’t kill you,” Rafael said softly. “You’re safe from that, I think, even if he does find out.”
Summer’s heart sank, feeling the weight of their impossible situation. He stared into Rafael’s dark eyes, searching for any sign of hope, but found none.
“Are you willing to make that sacrifice?” Rafael asked flatly. “My life for your freedom?”
“That’s not fair, Rafael!” Summer snapped, anger bubbling up inside him. “Why does it have to be one or the other? Why can’t we just...find a way to be happy together?”
“Life isn’t fair, Summer,” Rafael said wearily. “You should know that better than anyone.”
Tears stung Summer’s eyes as he glared back at Rafael. The man he had thought understood him more than anyone else was now demanding he choose between love and survival.
With a choked sob, Summer turned on his heel and stormed into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. He leaned against the cool surface of the door, his chest heaving with every breath.
“Is any of this real? Can I keep any of it?” he whispered to himself, feeling the futility of it all come over him.
He sank down onto the bed, burying his face in the soft covers that still carried Rafael’s scent. It was all so unfair, and Summer wished he’d never found out what was lurking beneath Rafael’s cold, hard surface.
But he knew Rafael was right. There was no other end to this, no way to keep Rafael safe except by going home to his father and the claustrophobic world of the Los Hermanos.
