Page 55 of Passing Notes
So kiss me then. Who says we have to be a secret? - HB
One of my strongest, most stubborn beliefs was that I could will what I wanted into existence. I would simply work every angle, analyze each problem, and zero in on my goal until I got my way. The only time it hadn’t worked was with Clara, and I blamed my youth for the failure. Deep down I’d always believed I’d be with her again, but something still nagged at me.
Our pause had ended after she got sick, but that didn’t mean I could see her whenever I wanted. I was serious about her; there was no doubt in my mind regarding where I wanted us to end up. She was it for me and she always had been.
But even though I knew she was serious about me too, she was still cagey about saying the words out loud. She was still resistant to talking things over. I knew she was scared and holding on to hurts from our shared past. I suspected she had hurts and secrets from after we’d broken up too, so I held tight to the notion that we had time. Time, freedom, and proximity. Those things, along with our undeniable chemistry, meant we would eventually be okay.
No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t tell Sasha and Ethan about us yet, not until I was one hundred percent sure we wouldn’t end up in another pause. I didn’t want to put them through any uncertainty. They’d taken the divorce hard, and I couldn’t do that to them again, especially since they’d grown so fond of Clara.
She was on my mind all the time. In fact, she’d been the only thing on my mind since we’d slept together. The rest of my life was falling through the cracks. The house was a mess, I had papers piling up to grade, and my lawn was getting out of control. Figuring out what to cook for dinner was usually a no-brainer, but not tonight. I was staring into the fridge with sightless eyes, like a living embodiment of the cliché of a clueless man.
“Dad! There’s blood everywhere! I’m dying!” Sasha’s frantic shriek shot me straight back into reality.
What the hell?
I flew up the stairs and down the hall to her bedroom where I found her frantically rummaging through her dresser, tossing clothes behind herself. “What? Blood everywhere? Sasha, sweetheart, what’s happening. What’s going on?—?”
A breathless Ethan came running in behind me. “It’s not everywhere, Dad. I checked. It’s just in her underwear in the garbage can in the bathroom. She got her period.”
“Go away, Ethan!” she screamed at him. “Leave me alone! Get out!”
“Oh. Ohhh. Oh my god,” I heaved out a relieved sigh as I connected the dots and realized what was happening. “Sasha, honey. You’re not dying, I promise you. You started your period. I thought your mom told you about that. Didn’t she? You had that talk with her, right?”
She stopped throwing clothes and turned around. Her tear-streaked cheeks broke my heart. “My period? She said I’d be a teenager first. I’m not even twelve yet.” She sighed deeply, though she was still trembling. “So, I’m not going to die? Are you sure? Every time I went to the bathroom there was blood, and it feels—I don’t even know. I kept throwing them away and hoping it would stop.”
I pulled her in for a hug. “No, honey. You are not going to die. This is totally normal. You just started your period, that’s it. I mean, it’s a big deal, but not one that will kill you, I swear.”
She threw her arms around me and burst into fresh tears. “I don’t have any of the pads and whatever else Mom said she’d buy for me. I was looking for all my old pajama pants to put on. Mom said we’d go shopping together and buy all the things I’d need but she’s on a plane right now! We can’t even call her until tomorrow. I don’t have anything, Dad. Blood is going to get everywhere if I leave the bathroom. I’m going to ruin the whole entire house. How will I sit down or go to sleep in my bed? Should I sleep in the bathtub tonight?—?”
“No, you do not have to sleep in the bathtub.” I rubbed my hand in soothing strokes across her back. “Shh, Sasha, honey, it’s okay. Listen to me.” I took her by the shoulders and looked her dead in the eye. She was panicking, and I had to make her believe that I could handle this. “I got you, Sash. You will be fine. I’ll go see if Clara has stuff you can use for now. Then later I’ll go to the store and get you whatever else you need. Everything will be okay, I promise you.”
She wiped a hand across one check and sniffled. “Okay, but I don’t know how to use any of it. Mom said she’d show me when I started.”
“There has to be instructions on the box, right? I will help you. Why don’t you go take a shower and clean up and I’ll go next door and see if Clara has anything we can borrow. Maybe she can come over and stay with y’all while I go down to the Piggly Wiggly and grab whatever else you’ll need. Sound good?”
She nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine now that I know I’m not gonna die. I saw the blood and it scared me. I didn’t even think.”
I pulled her in for another hug. “Go on and take a long, hot shower and when you’re done, I’ll help you figure everything out. Sound good?”
“Yeah, Daddy.”
I followed her into the hallway where Ethan and I locked eyes as she headed into the bathroom and closed the door. “That was intense,” he finally said after we heard the water start.
“You’re telling me.” My hand went to the back of my neck as I took a breath and calmed my racing heart. She’d scared the shit out of me with all that screaming.
“I’m going to clean up her room for her,” he announced. “She was stressed the hell out. And I feel bad. I didn’t mean to embarrass her. I thought—I don’t know what I thought. But I was worried when she said she was dying.”
“That’s nice of you, bud.”
He grimaced. “Yeah, like, I’d probably flip out too if I went to the bathroom and found a bunch of blood in my underwear, you know?”
My lips twitched in amusement. “I imagine that would be very alarming,” I agreed. “I’m going to head next door. Be right back.”
“Okay, Dad. I’ll get all this crap picked up, no problem.”
“You’re a sweet kid, Eath.”
“Sometimes. Don’t tell anyone,” he grumbled.
