I hug the sleeping toddler closer to my chest. “Don’t you dare. I’ve earned these cuddles.”
She shrugs at me, “If you don’t mind her covering you in drool, I won’t stop you. Just know the little menace is growing like a weed, and your arms will fall asleep soon.”
I stare down at the face of an angel surrounded by dark curls that match her mom’s. Her skin is light, and even though her eyes are closed now, I know they're greenish brown like her dad's. Emma’s two-year-old daughter has been the brightest beacon in the darkness surrounding me for the last few years.
“You and Matt sure make pretty babies,” I tell Emma while rocking. Now, with the baby already asleep, I'm just soothing myself.
“I know. Matt wants another one, but I’m not ready. We’re still young.”
“But don’t you want her to have a playmate?”
“You mean someone to fight with? That’s all my siblings and I were to each other, and we’re not any closer now. Blood does not mean a built-in friendship.”
“I don’t know how a sibling relationship works, but I’m on Matt’s side. I need another baby to spoil. I have two arms to hold them with.” I demonstrate by moving Cora to one arm and holding out my other.
Emma married Matt while she was pregnant with Cora but didn’t know it yet. He’s been the most devoted husband and dedicated father. After we graduated high school, she went to cosmetology school and found a love for hair and makeup. Instead of being tied down to a salon, she travels around to her clients for special occasions. Her weekends are almost always booked.
“I’m so happy you found Matt and are making a family together,” I tell her, my eyes tearing up with sincerity.
Emma’s smile lights up her tan face, and her brown eyes shine, “I’m happier than I ever thought possible.” Then her smile falls, and she frowns at me. “But you deserve to be happy too. You need to stop avoiding men like they have cooties. Give women a try if that’s your thing.”
I groan at this tired conversation. Between her and my mom, I don’t know who is worse about trying to get me to date.
“Can’t a woman be happy on her own?”
“Of course, she can. Are you happy?” she asks me, though she knows the answer already. I shoot her a look, but she doesn’t back down. “You can’t keep punishing yourself for trusting the wrong guys years ago.”
“I’m not punishing myself. I admit I have some trust issues, but I’ve dated since them who will not be named.”
“A date here and there over six years hardly counts. Have you gone out with anyone more than twice?”
“That one guy, remember? Matt’s coworker, whatever his name was. We dated for…” I trail off, not remembering how long or even his damn name, but I know we went out a few times at least.
“Chris? You dated for like two months, and that was before Cora was born. Your vagina’s cobwebs probably have cobwebs by now. At least go get laid.”
“I don’t know how to do that,” I grumble.
“Go out to the bar. Wear something sexy.”
“And look desperate? No thanks.”
“Well, you are kind of desperate,” She says with a cheeky smile.
I tug Cora’s stuffed pig off the shelf next to me and hurl it at her head, it totally misses and smacks off the wall.
“Hey, don’t abuse Hamilton,” she says as we laugh and leave the nursery. I stand, lay Cora gently in her crib, and quietly leave the room. Emma is waiting for me in the hallway with a hug.
“I just worry about you, but if you tell me to back off, I will. I know you don’t have to have a family like mine to be happy. We’re different.”
I give her a tight squeeze before letting go, “I know you only mean it with love, but a relationship isn’t for me right now. I’m only twenty four, plenty of time to find someone. If they come along. It’s not my focus now. I’ve liked working in the flower shop these last few years, but I want to do something I can feel passionate about.”
That’s all true. I am a little envious that Emma has a career she loves. But if I’m honest with myself, there’s some jealousy over the family she’s built for herself. A husband who’s obsessed with her and an adorable toddler is a dream come true. I’d come close to that once.
I shut down that train of thought before my brain runs away from me. Building a career I love is enough for me. It has to be. Because I can’t risk falling in love with a man again. Three of them already had broken my heart beyond repair.
The next day, I walk through the door of the house I’ve lived in nearly all my life after a long shift at the flower shop. For a brief moment, I expect to see my dad waiting for me on the couch. He’d call me Pumpkin and ask how my day went. My heart sinks with sadness when I remember that he’s gone. In the years since this house has become full of memories and sorrow. The carpets and furniture are tattered and outdated.
“Blake, we’re in here,” I hear my mom call from the kitchen.
