The problem was, all of a sudden, he didn't want me back. Nicholas had lightly kissed me on the cheek and on top of the forehead, but he hadn't tried anything else. There had been no sexy touching or teasing like there had been before. Now it was strictly platonic friendship. Nicholas was a good friend, we cuddled together and talked about everything and nothing, but that one string that had held us together before, that sexual tension, it was gone and I missed it.
Since I didn’t like the fact that Nicholas was so distant, I tried my best to bring him to my line of thinking. I wanted him, couldn’t he see that? I was dying for him, and it was hurting my feelings that he didn’t want me. I hoped that it wasn’t what it was, but what else was I supposed to think? Why was he treating me the way he was, if nothing had changed between us? The answer was that something had changed between us.
That evening when he finally dragged himself to bed, I was up waiting for him, though I did pretend that I was lying down.
“I thought you were avoiding me. If I would have been up, you wouldn’t have come to bed, would you have?” I accused him without having any real proof. I was just running on emotions, and I was feeling raw. I wanted Nicholas, we had something between us for a long time and now he didn’t want me. Was I too tainted? I knew what he had found, what he assumed. I couldn’t say one way or another if he was even right. I didn’t remember anything, but I was sure that I was no longer the way I’d left. Jean Luc had said that he was going to sell me, and I think he had, to the highest bidder. I sometimes wanted to remember what all happened, but the more I thought about it, the more I believed that it was probably a blessing in disguise that I couldn’t.
“I don’t want to disturb you, Lara, that’s all.”
I scoffed and asked him why he thought he was disturbing me. “This is your room. I am here to be with you. The bed isn’t magic, you don’t have some mystical dream catcher. It’s you, Nicholas. I come here for you, and you are always gone until after I go to sleep. I had to pretend, just so that I could see you.”
Nicholas didn’t know what to say. I had caught him in a lie, and I asked him why the military hadn’t taught him how to lie better. Nicholas looked mildly offended and said that he had no reason to lie. I didn’t believe him. I knew that he was lying about why he was always gone while I was awake. He was afraid that I would try to kiss him like I had a few months before. He had stoved up and froze like an alien was touching him, and I couldn’t say that I liked the reaction all that well. He knew that he was messing with me, didn’t he?
He refused to say why, and I finally just came out with it. I was sick of beating around the bush. I was sick of being treated so differently. It wasn’t just Nicholas that was treating me the way he was. My siblings and parents were acting all funny around me too. I was ready for it to end; I knew that much for sure. I was done being treated like a doll that was going to shatter. I wasn’t going to break, at least I didn’t think so.
“Why won’t you fuck me, Nicholas? We were so close, you were right about to, and then suddenly, you won’t even look at me. What happened?” I finally asked with a desperate burst of words that I wished I could take back as soon as they were out.
Nicholas’s face paled, and I knew then that I wasn’t going to like the answer. It was worse than I thought… It had to be with the way that color drained out of his face.
15
Nicholas
Ijust kind of looked at her for a minute, not sure if she was being honest or not. Was she serious? I kept looking at her and she kept looking at me, and I realized at some point that she was serious.
“What happened to you...”
I didn't even get out the first sentence before Lara was cutting me off. She didn't want to hear about it. Instead, Lara wanted me to know that what happened to her had nothing to do with what was going on now. Of course, that was not true. I couldn't forget it. My mind went to it every time we were alone together. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to unsee it. I didn't know if I wanted to. The hatred for Jean Luc was heavy, and he hadn’t been captured in the sweeps. He was still out there, but I had eyes on him at all times. I would take care of him soon enough.
“You are taking this in the wrong way, Lara. I just want to make sure that you have time to heal from everything. I don't even know all the damage that was done.”
I was comfortable talking about it, I didn't want to remind her of all the horrible things that happened to her, but we couldn't forget either. She still needed to do a pregnancy test one more time just to make sure. She also had to do a battery of other tests as well. She didn’t remember a lot of it, the doctor went over it with her, but she was still quite out of it. I certainly didn't want to have to be the one to explain it to her. Since they didn't know exactly what happened to her, she had to be treated for a whole range of problems. She needed time, and so did her mind and her body.
“I am fine.”
I told her that was obviously not the case. She was having a moment, close to a full-blown panic attack, and for what? None of it made any sense. I didn't know why she even wanted to talk about this. It was obvious that she couldn't handle the physical side of it. It was a shame too, a real shame.
“You are just using it as an excuse,” Lara accused.
“Why would I do that? Do you have any idea how long I have been thinking about you in that way? Ten damn years, Lara. I've always thought about you, it's been on my mind minute by minute since you got back. Ever since I heard you scream because of my fingers. I can't wait to hear what you sound like when I’m inside you for the orgasm. Honestly, it's all I can think about.” I sighed after a moment, clicking my tongue. “And you want to pretend like I don't want you? You're crazy. I want you in every way possible.”
Lara closed her mouth, and her eyes got a little bit wide. I think I was a bit overzealous in showing her that I still wanted her. I had to remind her that I wasn’t going to pounce or anything.
“You sound like you want to.”
“You just asked me too, but I am telling you, Lara, you need to heal first. I am not going anywhere. I will wait if I must for you to be ready.”
She sighed and asked what happened if she was ready then. I didn’t answer her for a moment because I was telling my body to calm down. She didn’t know what she was saying. That’s what I kept reminding myself of. I needed to tell her something.
“I don’t want it to be crowded with thoughts of what happened before. You still have bruises in some places.”
“Do the marks bother you?”
“Yes.”
She sighed. “I am sorry if I am not good enough for you now, Nicholas. Maybe you should have found me sooner.”
I was so worried that Lara would think that. While she had always been grateful and thankful, I hated that it had taken so long to find her. I didn’t know what I could have done differently, but it wasn’t because of what happened to her that I had guilt or avoided her. The bruises and cuts that were healing just reminded me of the failure that I had with keeping her safe. That was the last thing that I could think about.
